Self-love is often perceived as selfishness.
One of the most common claims, especially in close relationships, sounds like an accusation, kind of: “You care more about yourself than about me; you live for yourself.”
Not only can it be unsettling but it can also affect your stability and self-awareness.
You can become overwhelmed by various questions.
Should I prioritize myself or others?
In reality, we are all so differently designed that nobody else can know how to live our lives, and we are solely responsible for how we make decisions. Every individual has their own perception of the world, based on their unique design, experience and perspective, and reacts from their own inner universe.
It’s often difficult to comprehend the extent of someone else’s diversity. And in an attempt to prove otherwise, a person compromises their own truth, tries to consider others in their mind, assuming what they need, essentially fantasizing and making incorrect decisions based on their own illusions, which lead to dead ends.
And then, no matter what they do, no matter how “right” their actions are, this person may still feel like their life doesn’t belong to them, and everything seems somehow wrong.
Considering others in our lives while relying on ourselves is not the same as sacrificing our needs and desires for others, ultimately betraying ourselves.
A question to ponder over: why do we expect someone else to prioritize us instead of prioritizing ourselves?
In the picture – Ra Uru Hu, the founder of the Human Design system.
How can I be in deep and fruitful relationships while remaining true to myself?
To begin with, you need to BE yourself. In order to truly meet others in relationships, you need to first meet yourself. And how do you do that? It varies for each person based on their individual design.
In order for us to prioritize ourselves in our lives, we need to know where within ourselves we truly reside and where conditioning from others comes in. Understanding what signals within me are truly mine and what are not, helps us make reliable decisions based on our body’s reactions to life.
Human Design assists in showing our true nature through practical experimentation with an approach that is different from mental decision-making.
This enables us to attune ourselves to the markers that signify what is correct specifically for us. Consequently, the sensations indicating when we’re living in alignment with our true nature and when we’re straying into imposed patterns become more distinct, even if we engage in these patterns automatically, often without realizing it.
Considering our interconnectedness, though not always apparent, others also need our authenticity. When we are correct in how we make decisions, we engage with individuals who are the right fit for us, opening up genuine opportunities to truly meet each other, to meet in love.
While each individual’s nature is unique, there is a foundational division based on how people approach life, largely dependent on their Genetic Type.
70% of people are designed to live with a self-focused perspective because they have no other way to experience life; they can only understand life through themselves.
These 70% of people are called Generators. Everything they do, even if it affects others—whether they share something or support someone — will be correct only if they engage in the activity in response to life circumstances and external requests, and if they do it FOR THEMSELVES, based on their Inner Authority. Therefore, their well-being depends on the question, “Who am I for myself right now, through what I am doing?”
This self-attunement could be seen as a form of natural and even necessary “selfishness”. Because who actually are Generators? Essentially, they represent the energy of life itself. It fills and experiences itself through all the specific forms that people’s bodies are. Their self-focus ensures the proper investment of energy, allowing them to move from one level to another and thrive in their own lives and the lives of those around them. When a Generator is satisfied, this energy, this quality of life, spreads around. The most important and valuable contribution a Generator makes in any relationship is to be themselves and be content with their own life.
What helps Generators the least is thinking about decisions to make. Trusting their responses aligns them with Life’s natural guidance, a communication that flows through sensations in their body.
For Generators, who make up the majority of the population, a sort of “healthy selfishness” revolves around tuning into their body’s responses to external requests / calls. They discern when there is a resonance with something from the outside or when there isn’t. Their attunement to their own responses identifies what is genuinely meant for them.
On the other hand, for other Types, reliance on themselves takes on different nuances. For example, Projectors have a penetrating and absorbing aura; they focus on the people around them and can “read” them without any special effort. It is this quality that enables them to feel others so deeply and guide them toward their own well-being. However, the gifts of Projectors do not work with everyone or for everyone. They are effective only in specific circumstances and with particular individuals where their guidance aligns correctly.
The right people for a Projector are those who truly recognize their innate talents and value their capacity to deeply understand and guide others. They desire this kind of interaction and invite Projectors into their lives.
For Projectors, maintaining a healthy state involves waiting for others to recognize and invite them. This might seem like selfishness to some because, when living correctly, Projectors won’t strive to grab the attention of individuals deemed important by their minds. Self-love for Projectors is based on the understanding that seeking alliances and pursuing connections, as promoted by their Not-Self, can result in resistance, emotional resentment and bitterness.
Since Projector is not an energetic Type, their healthy selfishness lies in the wisdom of surrendering to the fact that their success lies in focusing on a small number of correct individuals. Their role is to participate in their lives by offering guidance, rather than competing with energetic Types, or playing initiation games and trying to earn their own success. While this approach may appear unconventional to some, it is incorrect for a Projector to rush to help others (even by advice) or, engage in activities like most people. Doing so could be seen as unsolicited advice, leaving deep emotional wounds, leading to exhaustion and even illness.
Waiting for recognition and invitations doesn’t imply that others make decisions for the Projector. When people recognize their inherent gifts and invite them, it is not the end of the process. Ultimately, a Projector relies on their Inner Authority — a special place within themselves that signals for whom they are currently correct and who, among those who see their nature and desire those qualities, is accordingly correct for Projectors. This is what determines whom to focus on, without diverting attention to those who may seem useful to their mind or who demand their attention without recognition of their innate gifts.
Projectors are here to engage with others, to exchange their “awareness for energy,” but with the right people. Their question is, “Who am I when I am with you?”. Their journey involves self-discovery through interactions with various individuals who grant them access to their energy. Therefore, although focusing on oneself is unnatural and disadvantageous for Projectors, when it comes to identifying those who are correct for them and whom they should guide, they make decisions relying on their Inner Authority. The task for their awareness is to be able to recognize their Inner Authority signals.
Being in a relationship with another person, even a close one, isn’t always easy because they’re essentially a different universe. Relationships cannot develop without mutual respect for each other’s differences. Respect for others begins with self-respect. This self-love forms the essential foundation upon which relationships can develop and thrive.
Healthy selfishness lies in respecting one’s right to be different from others and consciously managing one’s energy, taking into account one’s uniqueness.
Now, Manifestors, being an energetic Type, naturally go where their energy leads, even though they might fear facing resistance. The decision to act in a given situation is determined by the readiness of their entire system, indicated by the signal of their Inner Authority.
Even though Manifestors are independent in their navigation, it’s in their best interest to inform those who will be impacted by their decisions before they act. This way, they can direct their energy effectively by influencing the right people and preemptively eliminating unnecessary resistance that might drain their strength.
Despite the fear of control that may convince Manifestors to do everything their way without letting anyone know, informing is a healthy way to show respect for others and for the actual purpose of their power when applied with awareness – to impact others and transform the situation.
For Reflectors, healthy selfishness means giving themselves 28-29 days to make their own correct decisions. It is very challenging to be different from 99% of people, to be strange and incomprehensible to many. However, it’s crucial for Reflectors to stay true to their design, their connection with the Moon, and to base decisions on the aftertaste, on the knowledge that remains within them after the Lunar cycle has passed.
The core of every Reflector’s decision revolves around finding the right place for themselves, at the heart of a community. Rather than getting caught up in initiating actions, seeking love and approval, or getting entangled in the issues and suffering of the Not-Self of the people around them.